Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
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I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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