angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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