I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
