I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
