How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
