Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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