I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
