I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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