I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
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You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
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I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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