I think I won the penis lottery.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
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The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
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We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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