Non-Jews are for practice
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
