Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
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Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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