My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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