She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
