Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
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I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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