so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
