remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
