i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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