My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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