guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
