I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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