mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
