Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
