Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
