We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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