Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
