In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
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My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
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I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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