I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
