Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
