Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
