I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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