I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
