I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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