dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
