She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
