Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.