I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
babies were throwing up all over the place
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
