I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.