I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
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Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
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I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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