You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
