I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
