did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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