I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
