I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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