I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
