ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You are the jesus of drinking
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
