He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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