I'm so fucking centered right now
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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