then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
