I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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