My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i came on her dog
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
