I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
