Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
