I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
