I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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