it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
