it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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