the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
